Using the Buddhist Practice of Tonglen to Transform and Heal the Aloneness of Grief

The funeral has been planned and taken place. The cards and casseroles have stopped coming. Friends have gone back to their daily routines. It has been a month or so since your loved one’s death. Nothing feels the same. You feel alone. You feel like no one can possibly understand the depths of your sadness and despair.

Opening ourselves to our grief, rather than hiding from it, offers the possibility of true growth and transformation. It can be exquisitely painful to lean into one’s grief. Running from it, isolating ourselves, numbing our pain in alcohol, drugs or sleep can be so tempting. How, then, to allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief, and at the same time, let go of self-pity and feelings of aloneness and begin to heal?

A Buddhist meditation practice called tonglen, or “sending and receiving” can be very healing at this time. It is a practice all can do, Buddhist or not. Sogyal Rinpoche, in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (1994, p. 193), describes tonglen as one of the most “useful and powerful” practices in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition:

When you feel yourself locked in upon yourself, Tonglen opens you to the truth of the suffering of others; when your heart is blocked, it destroys those forces that are obstructing it….[I]t helps you to find within yourself and then to reveal the loving, expansive radiance of your own true nature.

The practice of tonglen involves breathing in suffering and breathing out love and compassion for all beings, including yourself. As Sogyal Rinpoche states (p. 195), “Before you can truly practice Tonglen, you have to be able to evoke compassion in yourself.” You breathe in your own pain and suffering, and breathe out peace, love and compassion for yourself. One way to do this is to imagine breathing in a dark cloud of smoke, and breathing out light. Once you are able to evoke a sense of self-compassion, you can then imagine breathing in the pain and suffering of loved ones, and sending them love and compassion on the outbreath. A natural outgrowth is to extend this sending and receiving to all beings.

The practice of tonglen allows the bereaved to know they are not alone: We all experience loss and grief. It helps us drop the “why me?” of self-pity, which can leave grief stuck in place. Instead of that self-centeredness, a sense of unity and compassion for all can develop.

Leaning into one’s grief through the practice of tonglen can be extremely healing and spiritually transformative. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and other works, such as the writings of Pema Chodron, go into further detail about the practice. In addition, trained meditation instructors in Buddhist centers throughout the world can work with you to deepen your understanding and experience of the practice.