Grief and trauma all jumbled up. My journey will include separating the two so that I can grieve my father without immediately thinking of my traumatic fall and injury.
This evening, I was doing the mundane task of deleting old emails. Emails from immediately before my trip to Florida seemed so normal at the time: confirmation of my plane reservations, friends wishing me well on my way to see my dying, father, and other routine daily emails. It’s amazing to me how things can change so quickly. As a Buddhist, I understand impermanence, and that things are changing moment to moment, but never have I felt it on such a gut level.
Seeing those emails was re-traumatizing. My plan was to be with and support my father in his death. Yes, I did get to see him in the hospital and to have my sister hold the phone up to his ear so I could express my gratitude and love for him . However, it’s not what I had planned. I suppose I could be angry about the unfairness of it all, but what good would that do me? I have to accept that this is what happened, and that it will take time for me to unwind my grief from my trauma.
As a trauma therapist, I’ve learned that the brain is like a binary computer – It’s a bunch of 0s and 1s. The brain associates certain events with other events. For example, if a client had a judgmental parent, they may see every superior at work as judgmental. My mantra for clients is “This is not that.”
My trauma – and grief – are still quite raw. Memories of my fall intrude, with the negative beliefs that accompany those memories. Breathing, mindfulness meditation, allowing myself to receive support without shutting down, patience, acceptance and vulnerability will all be part of my healing journey. I know it’s a process and will take time until I can eventually untie the knots of association my brain has created. Then I will be able to think of my father with love and feel the loss without immediately thinking of my fall and its aftermath.