MY JOURNEY THROUGH CALAMITY
Introduction and Chapter 1
Introduction
Although I have been a longtime grief and trauma counselor and Buddhist practitioner, nothing prepared me for the trauma I recently endured -- or maybe it did. Walking to my connecting flight to be with my dying father in Florida, I abruptly fell, badly fracturing three bones in my upper arm. I endured the plane ride with the help of wonderful angels, especially my seatmate, Loretta, who insisted on driving me to the ER when we arrived in Florida. My intention was to be with my father until the very end, to accompany him as he transitioned from this life. Instead, I was in the hospital recovering from surgery when he died.
Despite my physical and emotional pain, I intend to use this difficult time as an opportunity to put my longtime Buddhist practice to work, and also to apply what I have learned as a grief and trauma therapist. Letting go of ego-clinging, acceptance, equanimity, being in the present, knowing that all things are empty and impermanent, being vulnerable, allowing others to care for me, gratitude, practicing self-care, patience, working through trauma, working with grief, attending to the body, breathing….Too much to write about with one hand, so this will be a series of chapters.
Chapter 1: Letting Go of Good Old Ego
We think we get some relief by wallowing in “why me?” but I know first-hand (no pun intended) that doing so only increases my suffering. Whenever I get stuck in “why me?” “This isn’t fair.” “I didn’t deserve this” and on and on, I notice that my suffering increases. My world becomes small, and I can’t see the whole picture. In my tunnel vision, I lose all perspective and spaciousness, and my compassion and sense of connection go out the window.
Buddhism teaches that the cause of our suffering is clinging to a belief in a solid sense of self or ego. When we perceive that we exist in a permanent way, we close down our world, believing that we are in the middle of it all, and we suffer greatly. When I let go of my ego-clinging, not only do I find a semblance of peace, but have self-compassion and compassion for all who are suffering - which includes all of us. I feel less alone, and have a sense of belonging.
As a grief counselor, I have my own “formula” for the stages of grief: We go from “Why me?” to “Why not me” to “Yes everyone.” This is another way to express letting go of ego-clinging. It reminds me of a phrase written by Buddhist thanatologist Stephen Levine: “Tragedy holds the seeds of grace.”
Those words will accompany my on this journey through calamity. Although, as a human being, perfect in my imperfection, I will inevitably fall back into ego-clinging here and there, I will remember that this calamity is an opportunity for grace and wisdom to shine through.