MAINTAINING JOY WITHOUT CONDITIONS

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

My daily intention is to experience joy without conditions, and without regard to the circumstances in my life. I am grateful that my Buddhist and mindfulness practices offer so many skillful means to support me in fulfilling my intention: being present, letting go, equanimity, allowing whatever arises to be an opportunity for growth… and maybe even enlightenment, or at least lightening up.

The Mind Training (lojong in Tibetan) slogans have provided a great tool for me when the going gets tough and taking whatever arises to the path. These slogans are reminders for living genuinely, with compassion and skill. They were created by Indian Biuddhist master Atisha way back in the 10^th century and later brought to Tibet.

I marvel at how these slogans are still so relevant. Then again, life’s ups and downs are universal and omnipresent, so of course they’re still relevant. As the Buddha said, there’s birth, old age, sickness and death. We can’t escape those facts of life, so we might as well use them to learn and grow.

The lojong slogan that I have been primarily working with as I go through the challenges of caregiving and aging, is, “Always maintain a joyful mind.” This slogan is a particularly useful reminder when I find myself about to fall into self-pity or despair.

Maintaining a joyful mind doesn’t mean closing our eyes (and hearts) to our own sadness and the suffering of the world. Rather, it helps create a sense of perspective and spaciousness and allows us to open up rather than shut down and isolate ourselves in our little cocoons. In opening our hearts, we can’t help but feel compassion for all, including ourselves.

Maintaining a sense of humor is a great tool for maintaining a joyful mind. It helps us keep our hearts open and allows for a sense of perspective and the ability to see beyond ourselves and see the bigger picture. Humor has enhanced my ability to appreciate everything around me and has opened my heart to feeling both joy and sadness. The direct experience of joy and sadness, without all the thoughts and judgments that take me away from the actual experience, makes me feel alive and connected to others, and the sense of perspective that accompanies those emotions prevents me from sinking into isolation, despair, and self-pity.

Allowing ourselves to fully experience sorrow and grief also help maintain a joyful mind. I recall a client in my grief counseling practice once asking me how I always seem so joyful even while encountering so much grief around me. The question took me by surprise, especially since it was the day of a significant death anniversary in my life, and I was experiencing deep grief. After contemplating my client’s question, I responded that joy and sorrow are like two sides of a coin – the more we allow ourselves to experience sorrow, the more joy is available to us.

Allowing ourselves to fully and directly experience our sorrow and grief is not easy. It requires fearlessness and a willingness to be open and vulnerable. We have all kinds of strategies to avoid feeling sorrow – drugs, alcohol, self-cutting, etc. One strategy I have personally used to avoid the direct experience of sorrow and grief is being hard on myself and negative self-talk. I add all kinds of stories of guilt and shame that strengthen my negative self-talk that keep it in place. It’s like putting on a coat of armor against feeling pure sadness.

This strategy is rooted in fear. It can feel scary to allow myself to be so authentically open and vulnerable. When I forget the way things are, and that everything is impermanent, I falsely believe that if I allow my heart to fully open to my sadness, it will never end, and I’ll end up in an uncontrollable puddle of tears that threaten to drown me. However, I know that there’s nothing more cathartic than a good cry, where there’s no room for a storyline or thoughts. It feels like a summer storm that leaves freshness in its wake. It’s such a relief – a relief that feels like joy.