Chapter 9: The Present is the Gift

When I started this journey through calamity, I vowed to be in the present, moment by moment, as part of my recovery. I often repeat to myself words from one of my favorite Buddhist prayers:  “Do not review the past nor guess the future“ as a reminder to be present.

I know that when I am fully present, there is no past nor future. Nonetheless, I find myself repeatedly going over the events leading to, and after my traumatic fall. I also find myself worrying about the future: will I need another surgery? Will I ever regain more function and less pain?  Although I know that these thoughts of the past and future are futile, it has been a challenge to let them go and be in the present moment. Feeling what arises in my body and breathing into that, rather than being lost in my thoughts, is key for me to come back to the present moment.

Reflecting on the trauma work I have been doing, with the support of a gifted therapist, I understand, with self-compassion, that it would have been impossible for me to stay in each present moment when I was still in the throes of PTSD:  When images of my fall and everything that ensued thereafter arose, I was thrown back to the past and relived the pain of what I experienced then. Now that time has passed and I have made considerable progress in recovering from my trauma, when those images come up, I can feel them in the present moment, breathe into them and let them go. What a gift!

Thoughts about the future have been challenging as well.  Being in this space of not knowing if I will need another surgery is not easy.  I could ruminate about that until the cows come home, but that doesn’t help at all. As the Dalai Lama has said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  Remembering these wise words, I can allow myself to feel the trepidation and fear arising in my body with compassion, and not get caught in an endless cycle of worry and rumination. Those thoughts about the future then dissolve into spaciousness.

Buddhist teachings often talk about going beyond hope and fear.  Doing so requires allowing ourselves to be in a state of not knowing, of groundlessness, moment by moment.  Author and inspirational leadership consultant Margaret Wheatley has described this beautifully:

All fear (and hope) arises from looking backward or forward. The present moment is the only place of clear seeing unclouded by hope or fear….Of course, trying to be present when everything around you is crashing down is not easy….Yet only in the present moment, free from hope and fear, do we receive the gifts of clarity and resolve. (M. Wheatley, “Beyond Hope and Fear”, Lions Roar, February 2009).

The present is indeed the gift.