Chapter 8 - Taking the Should out of Shoulder:

Befriending My Inner Critic

I have found myself reverting to old patterns of unkindness toward myself lately. I’m full of “shoulds:  I should be able to do more with my broken shoulder; I should have been with my father when he died; I shouldn’t still be in pain…And on and on.  I thought that I had let go of my inner critic through therapy and meditation, but alas, it has reared its head again. It’s time for me to remember to use the tools I’ve developed to let go of my self-criticism and return to self-compassion and kindness.

 When I began my meditation practice decades ago, I became painfully aware of my critical voice. I realized that the voice wasn’t me, and was able to create space between myself and the inner critic so that it became workable.  In fact, I decided to name my inner critic “Bertha.”  Instead of resisting Bertha, I befriended her, listening to her voice as a wake-up call to be kind and gentle with myself.  I know Bertha was trying to protect me, but couldn’t do so kindly and skillfully. 

 In the process of letting go of all the “shoulds” on my journey through calamity,  I have come to realize that Bertha has been trying to protect me from feeling intense grief about my current limitations due to my broken shoulder, coupled with my grief about my father’s death and not being able to be with him as he passed. I can thank Bertha for trying to protect me from my grief and let her know that feeling my grief is necessary on my path of healing. 

I’m starting to use the tools I already have in my toolbox to once again befriend my inner critic and let go of all the “shoulds”.   As a result, I can safely feel my grief and sadness again, without the overlay of that critical voice.  My self-compassion and kindness toward myself is starting to return, little by little.