Chapter 4 - Embracing Old Age

In my online research about my broken humerus, I read “these types of injuries are common in the elderly.“ My first thought was “oh that’s not me.“  Who am I kidding?  I am 73 years old. I can’t pretend that’s not old age.

The Buddha taught about the “four rivers of life” - birth, old age, sickness and death. On his journey to enlightenment, he experienced the ravages of sickness and encountered old age and death.   Many of the Buddha’s early teachings after he attained enlightenment were about the reality of impermanence -- including the impermanence of the body -- and how we suffer when we don’t accept it.   

 When we resist where we are on this journey through the “four rivers of life”, we suffer.  After my traumatic fall, I had a hard time accepting that my injury was exacerbated by my age. In trying to resist that fact, I suffered needlessly. Once I accepted that my age contributed to the extent of my injuries, I was able to relax into that truth.

When we enter old age, we have a choice:  to either embrace the fact that we’re elderly, and can no longer do all of the things we did when we were young and accommodate our lives to this fact, or resist it, and try to cover it up -- with make-up, hair dye  or trying to do more than we can comfortably or safely do. 

In choosing to embrace my age, I now appreciate all the wisdom I have gained from my  experiences in life, including the political and societal upheavals I experienced as a college student in the early ‘70s; starting my life in New York as a paralegal by day and a denizen of the burgeoning punk rock scene by night; parlaying that experience into a career as an attorney in the music business; becoming a Buddhist and developing a meaningful spiritual life; experiencing the horrors of 9/11 as a catalyst to leave New York and fulfill my dream of becoming a Buddhist psychotherapist; all that I have learned in my long marriage, living with my partner in cities big and small and traveling the world with him; and now, imparting the wisdom I have gained to others through my writing and supporting others on their professional and spiritual paths.  

The work of developmental psychiatrist Erik Erikson has helped me understand my development as an older adult.  Erikson posited that at each developmental stage, from infancy onward, we are faced with a developmental challenge.  In old age, that challenge is between a sense of wholeness versus existential despair.  Despair arises if we can’t see beyond our body’s disintegration, and as a result are stuck in believing that life has been meaningless, whereas integrity involves a sense that our life has had meaning when we look back at all we have experienced and accomplished. 

 In his own old age, Erikson concluded that the fruit of this struggle between integrity and despair is wisdom.  As I write this, I appreciate all the rich experiences I have had in life and the wisdom I have gained as a result. As Erikson said in his old age, “Lots of old people don't get wise, but you don't get wise unless you age.''