Chapter 3 - Being, Not Doing

Recuperating from a second surgery after  my traumatic fall, I’ve had no choice but to rest.  I’m finally learning that it’s so refreshing to just be -- something I’ve never been good at!   I’ve learned that it feels good to slow down.

I always thought that I had to do always be doing something, anything – doing, doing, doing. Why? It’s probably different reasons at different times:   not believing I am fine just as I am; feeling that I need to do something to prove myself to others; avoiding painful emotions;  restlessness mixed with anxiety.

I realize that I’ve been avoiding my meditation cushion since my traumatic fall coupled with my father‘s death. Sure, it’s physically painful to get down on my cushion, but I’m sure it’s more than that.  Then, as I sit here, I realize that  I have been meditating --  It’s a matter of intention and attention.  Paying attention to my sensations as I sit by my living room window, I look out at the magnificent trees of the Pacific Northwest, feel the delicious spring breeze on my skin, listen to my windchimes and the birdsongs.

This is meditation -- simply being present to what it is. My pain is included, and with intention and attention it is just another sensation. When I pay attention and am present with those sensations, with nothing added, I can feel the sensations change, moment by moment.  This reminds me that this too is impermanent.  When I let the pain just be, it simply is. The throbbing pain and its ever-changing contours is a sign that my body is responding so that it can heal, step by step.