I recently remarked to a friend that I am not the same person I was before my fall and my father‘s death. I am confronted with daily reminders of the changes in my life and identity – my limited range of motion, pain when I move certain ways, seeing my surgical scar in the mirror. Who am I now?
I have observed that I sometimes cling to my grief and pain, thinking it’s who I am now. I forget that I’m so much more than that. When I let go of that clinging, I can see all that I have learned so much in my journey through calamity. When I look back to where I was five months ago and where I am now, I am proud of how much strength I have gained, both physically and emotionally.
Although I have moments when I think that my pain will never go away, I remember that everything is impermanent. This process has also taught me to be more gentle and patient with myself. As someone who has tended to be impatient and hard on myself, this has been an important teaching. As I become kinder and more compassionate toward myself, my heart has opened, and I am more empathetic to the suffering of others.
As I wrote earlier, one of the Buddha’s first teachings is that clinging to a solid sense of self is the cause of our suffering. We often cling to what is familiar and who we think we are out of fear. We are afraid of letting go into the groundlessness of not knowing.
I’ve learned that I can only grow through courageously accepting not knowing. Being in the groundless open space creates new possibilities for me me continue to heal, learn and grow. Clinging to who I think I am will only result in my staying stuck, with no possibilities for growth and healing. When I remember that who I am is changing moment by moment, I am left with open spaciousness. Here’s a poem I recently wrote while contemplating my surgical scar:
My Scar
A four inch scar reminds me daily of my fall.
At first, it was tender and raw
Much like my emotions –
Shock and despair giving way to fear,
Then grief, sadness and understanding.
Weeks of incapacity, being not doing
Time to reflect.
Learning patience, acceptance, vulnerability.
Remembering impermanence.
The daily routines that grounded me were pulled out from under me.
I had given up my power.
My power is slowly returning.
I am a warrior determined to heal.
Patience becomes impatience until I remember
And return to patience and compassion.
My scar can bring tears of grief for all I have lost,
As well as appreciation for all I have gained.
Who am I now?