Another Grief Anniversary
I started feeling “off” at the beginning of April, experiencing queasiness in both my stomach and heart. I soon realized that this is associated with the fact that April is the anniversary month of my traumatic fall two years ago and resulting broken shoulder, coupled with my father’s death four days later and my lingering regret that I couldn’t be with him in his dying days because I was hospitalized having the first of what would be four surgeries to repair my broken shoulder.
I’ve long believed – and have experienced – that anniversaries of significant dates associated with losses live in our body, whether we’re consciously aware of those dates or not. It’s as if our mind and heart know how to tell time. As trauma researcher, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk [i]has famously said in the title of his book, “the body keeps the score.”
In fact, when I used to lead hospice grief support groups, I would give the participants a one page calendar of months, and have them write down each date they might anticipate having a “grief spike.” It could be a birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversary of death or even something like Super Bowl Sunday. That way, they can prepare when they know a significant anniversary is coming up, with healing rituals, prayers, writing or other healing activities.
Although grief anniversaries can be distressing they can also be a time for introspection and growth. A recent literature review[ii] notes:
[S]ome authors have also theorized that anniversary reactions may indicate normal reactions to grief unfolding over time. That is, with the understanding that grief may not be linear or time-limited, anniversaries are times that tend to remind the mourner of the lost loved one and invite them to process their grief more fully. If new experiences or appraisals can be associated with the memory, these may even be times of growth or positive change.
Now that I am more aware of the anniversary grief reaction I am currently experiencing, I intend to use it as an opportunity for growth and further healing. I know that some of my trauma still resides in my broken shoulder, which interestingly is on the same plane as my heart chakra. I will give my heart and shoulder extra love, with the intention to release the remaining trauma from my fall that resides there. I will honor my grief for my father’s death with tenderness, and will light a Yahrzheit[iii] candle that will burn for twenty-four hours on the anniversary of his death. I will work to release more of my anguish and regret that I was unable to be with my dear father as he lay dying. This is still difficult for me, and as I write this, I notice the ache in my heart. I will hold that ache with tenderness and self-compassion, practicing loving-kindness meditations. This is a work in progress and I know I am on the path to healing.
[i] Van Der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Penguin Books
[ii] Larsen, S. (2025). Anniversary Reminders and Other Recurring Trauma Reactions. https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/essentials/anniversary_reactions.asp. Retrieved April 4, 2026.
[iii] A memorial candle that Jews around the world light to commemorate the anniversary of a loved one’s death. .“Yahrzeit” means “years-time” in Yiddish