Acknowledging Grief Spikes

I have been particularly out of sorts recently. What I am experiencing is a “grief spike” or “grief spasm”. As a grief counselor, I know that grief spikes are pretty universal, and just naming, validating and normalizing it can be helpful. Knowing that what I’m experiencing is normal helps me relax, and knowing that we all go through this in one way or another helps me feel less alone.

Grief spikes often happen around birthdays, holidays, and other significant days. Even the Super Bowl can result in a grief spike, if that day was meaningful to someone and their loved one. In fact, I suggested to my bereaved clients that they keep a calendar marking dates were significant for them. My clients could then prepare for that day in advance, perhaps with some kind of ritual or remembrance, so that they’re not caught off-guard if the day just sneaks up on them.

My father's birthday is coming up, the first since my dad’s death. At this time last year, I was planning what to get my father for his birthday and sending him a birthday card that expressed my love and appreciation for him. I will now have to find another way to remember and honor my father.

My current grief is exacerbated by other losses in my life. This is called “cumulative grief.” For example, I am still navigating retirement and leaving a job where I was giving of my skills and experience to benefit others. I started volunteering with a local hospice after my retirement, knowing it was something I wanted to return to as part of my retirement. This has unfortunately had to be put on hold as I recover from my latest surgery. I have had to pull back from other meaningful activities as well as I recuperate, declining invitations for events that I was looking forward to.

The good news is that now that I’ve named what I’m feeling a grief spike and cumulative grief, I can work with it, using all the tools in my big toolbox. The other great good news is that I know this is impermanent and will change, as my Buddhist study and meditation experience make clear. As I write this, I can feel the ebb and flow of my grief in the present moment. It is ephemeral and always changing, and this current spike will pass.